A version of this was received from several pet-loving friends and relatives and is a fun way to think of our little canine family.

DEAR DOGS,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy a bigger bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the Lazyboy to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the door knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

The cord from my curling iron isn't a toy; you do not have to attack it. Nor do you have to lick or nip my ankles just because they smell like hand lotion.  The vacuum cleaner is not alive. It means you no harm and does not endanger my life, so there is no need to stalk it and pounce as though it were a rodent.

To pacify you, we have the following message on our door:

Rules for Non-pet Owners who visit and like to complain about Pets........

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like some people, especially those who solicit.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are often easier than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with bad-influence friends, aren't tempted to smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a college education, and if they get pregnant, it's clearly your own fault, not theirs and, besides, you can sell their offspring.

Anonymous (modified)